So Tom goes to his doctor for his annual physical while sitting in the examining room he notices a large machine with a lot of lights and buttons looking more complicated than the space shuttle cockpit. The doctor walks in and explains that the this new machine can diagnose every possible ailment with just a urine sample.

Tom produces the sample the doctor puts it into the machine. After a few moments of flashing lights and whirring noises the machine produces a small printout. The doctor informs Tom that he has tennis elbow. “Tennis elbow that’s ridiculous I have never even played tennis doc I think your machine is broken” The doc explains that this machine is very accurate but if Tom would like to submit another sample tomorrow That would be all right. So the doctor gave Tom a sample cup to bring home to make it easier. On His Way Home Tom got really angry about the whole thing, pissed off at the whole notion that a machine could replace a doctor so he decides to teach this doc and his machine a lesson. He gets home and has his wife and daughter pee in the cup he pees in the cup somehow he gets the family dog to pee in the cup. He takes the dipstick out of his car swirls that in the cup, and to top it off Tom rubs one out into the cup.

The next day Tom feeling father smug watches as the doctor puts the sample in the machine. He laughs to himself as all the lights and noises are going on and when the printout surfaces he braces himself for the win that is coming. “So what’s the verdict ?” Well you are over due for an oil change, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has gonorrhea, your dog has worms and if you don’t stop jerking off that tennis elbow is never going away.

——-

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‘You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

‘Shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘

WHACK…she spanks him

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be fuc#ing Fruit Loops’

“““““

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Man has to put his father in a nursing home, and so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.

The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.

As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.

The man continues walking, and sees his father tip over to the right side, and the orderly on that side props him back upright.

As he is a few steps away, he sees his father start leaning forward, and both orderlies lock arms with his father, and pull him back upright into a sitting position.

The man arrives at his father, and says “Wow, Dad, it looks like they are taking very good care of you.” and his father replies “Sure they are, but they won’t let me fart!”

“““““

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A guy is cruising along the California coast, when he asks God for just one wish, for being a good and honest man.

God actually replies, “OK…just one wish!”

The guy is shocked, and just blurts out the first thing that comes to mind… “A bridge to Hawaii!”

God says “Erm…that’s a lot of work…plus, people would notice. I’m supposed to work in mysterious ways, know what I mean? How about something else…”

“OK…how about this…I want to understand women. I want to understand how they think…everything about them!”

God says, “Uh…so, yeah, you want a two-lane or a four-lane-bridge?”

——-

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