A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sets the octopus on the bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 this octopus can play any instrument you have.” The bartender agrees and directs him to a piano in the corner. After the octopus sits down and plays a few bars the man asks the bartended to pay up.

“Hold on” says the bartender and hands over a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar, gives it a quick tune and plays a little song. The man again asks the bartender to pay up. “Just a minute, I think I’ve got something else here.” The bartender disappears into the back room for a couple of minutes, comes back out and puts a set of bagpipes down on the bar.

The octopus moves around it, looking confused, picking up the pipes one at a time and putting them back down until the man says, “what’s wrong? Can’t you play it?” The octopus says, “play it? If I can figure out how to get its pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”

“““““

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An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is pregnant.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test results show that the girl IS pregnant.

Shouting , cursing, crying…the mother says, “Who wassa dah piga that do thisah to you? Ima wanna know!!”

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferarri stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the livingroom with the father, mother and the girl and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a 2 million dollar bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a factory and a 3 million dollar bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory each and 4 million dollars each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?

At this point, the father who had remained silent holding a shotgun… places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…

“You gonna try again!!”

——-

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So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day just chilling, and Satan asks,

“Hey JC, what’s it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It’s not like I get to see it very often.”

Jesus says, “Hail, Satan.”

And Satan’s all like, “YEEEEEAH, BOI!”

And Jesus is all like, “Oh, you.”

——-

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[Read in a Rodney Dangerfield voice]

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.

I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

——-

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