[Read in a Rodney Dangerfield voice]

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.

I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

——-

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“So José, how was America?”

“Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind.

I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out.

Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game.”

“You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice.”

“Oh they are amigo! Before the game began every American stood up, looked right at me, and hollered, “José, can you see?”

“““““

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The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says “NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He’s got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine.” God is pissed and yelling says “I’ll sue”. Lucifer says “ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?”

“““““

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked: “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

——-

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