So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots.

“Well I’ve just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he’s picked up some nasty words. Why don’t you come back next week.” He said.

“No that’s quite alright. I know just how to handle him.”

So she pays for the bird and brings him home and sure enough once he gets home he starts cussing up a storm so the old lady takes him and throws him in the freezer. After 5 minutes she takes him out and he’s shivering and shaking and says “I’m so sorry I’ll never curse again.”

Well a couple of weeks go by and he’s behaving himself until the old lady brings some friends over and he starts swearing and cussing and calling them all sorts of horrible names. So she grabs the bird and throws him the freezer. After 10 minutes she takes him out and asks “Well did you learn your lesson?”

And the parrot is blue and shivering and shaking and says “Yes Yes I did. I’m so sorry I’ll never swear again! I promise!”

So a few months go by and the bird starts up again swearing and yelling and saying things the lady couldn’t have imagined in her worst nightmares so she grabs the parrot and throws him in the freezer. Just then her best friend Lucy called and they started talking and talking and before she’d realized it 2 hours had gone by!

She runs over to the freezer and opened the door and found the parrot iced over and barely alive. And the parrot says “I’m soo sooo sorry. I promise I’ll never swear again ever, but please, please, I just, I have to know…

What did the Turkey say?”

“““““

Acne Control Solution

A man dies and goes to hell, upon his arrival, Satan says to him, “I’m in a good mood today. Tell you what, there are 3 doors here, behind each door are people being tortured. I’ll let you look and choose which one you would prefer for all eternity.”

So the man looks behind the first door and sees a man being poked with pitchforks, over and over. “I don’t think I’d like that” he says and looks behind the second door.

He sees a man shackled to a bench with flames burning him all over. “Nope, don’t want that one either!” he says.

Satan leads him to the third door, where he sees a really ugly old man, hands shackled to a wall, getting a BJ from a really pretty blonde girl. The man gets excited and shouts, “That one! I’ll take this punishment for all eternity!”

Satan then taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, “You can go now, we’ve found a replacement!”

“““““

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!’

——-

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My wife and I had a huge argument.

She screamed at me to pack my bags and get the hell out

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said “I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!”

“So, what? You want me to stay now?” I replied.

“““““

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