A Catholic priest is fishing with one of his flock, an avid fisherman, and catches a whopper of a fish. The parishioner, forgetting himself for a moment, exclaims, “Look at the size of that Fucker!”

The priest responds sternly and so the parishioner, quick-thinking as he his, explains, “Oh … no Father, that’s the name of the fish!” The priest is surprised, but knowing his flock wouldn’t lie to him, he happily carries on.

That afternoon, he returns to the church, hands a nun a fish and asks, “Sister, can you clean and cook this Fucker?”

“Father!”, she gasps, but the priest responds with a chuckle, “No Sister, that’s the name of the fish.” The nun is surprised, but knowing the priest wouldn’t lie, she happily carries on.

That evening, the Pope has come for dinner at the small church with the priest and the nun. They’re enjoying the meal, and the Pope remarks, “This fish is delicious!”

The priest proudly responds, “I caught the Fucker!” The nun adds, “I cleaned and cooked the Fucker!”
The Pope is slightly taken aback but regains himself, looks at the priest and the nun, then grins, “You know something? … you fuckers are alright!”

——-

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A young couple felt they were having sex too often, so they visited Father O’Reilly for some counseling.

The priest recommended they take a vow to not have sex for a year, and the couple reluctantly agreed.
Eleven months later, the couple visited Father O’Reilly again.

“Father,” said the wife, “you need to throw us out of the church. We broke our vow of celibacy.”
“What happened?” asked the priest.

“Well,” explained the husband, “my wife dropped a dime on the floor. When she bent down to pick it up, I saw a tiny part of her butt cheek. It turned me on so much that I couldn’t stand it any longer. I threw her on the floor and had sex with her right then and there.”

“Oh, I see.” Said the priest. “You did break your vow a month early. But you are a married couple and you were celibate a long time. Why do you think I should throw you out of the church?”

“I don’t know,” replied the wife, “but they threw us out of Walmart.”

“””””

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There’s a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson’s company. He tells Johnson to come back the next week.

The next week rolls around, and Johnson goes back to see what kind of ad Jim has put together for him. Jim has Johnson sit down, and pops in a USB drive.

A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He’s screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles and says “You always know you’re doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!”

Johnson is irate. He yells at Jim, accusing him of trying to run him out of business. Jim manages to calm Johnson down, and begs for another chance. Reluctantly, Johnson agrees, and they set up a meeting for next week.

Johnson shows up to the meeting expecting to be disappointed, despite Jim’s assurances that this time everything will be fine. Jim pops in a USB drive and the scene begins. It’s a beautiful desert scene, the blue sky merging perfectly with the rolling dunes. Suddenly, a naked, bearded man comes running from off screen, being followed closely by a pack of Roman centurions. The camera pans in on the group, and one of them, sweating and panting says sadly, “I guess we should have used Johnson nails.”

“””””

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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy…” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

“””””

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