So there’s this Irish Pub in Ireland of all places. Anyhow, its getting towards the end of the night and the bartender rings the bell calling, “Last drinks! Last drinks! And anyone who can come up with the best cheers gets their last drink for free!”

After hearing this everyone in the pub runs up to the bar and starts shouting at the bartender their best cheers. The bartenders hears a few of them over the noise and dismisses them with a wave of the hand, “No, none of those will do!”

When its gets quiet one man raises his beer, “I have one! I say cheers to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”

Everyone raises their beer in approval and this man gets his free beer.

Later that night this man walks home and gets into bed with his wife. His wife wakes and turns to her husband, “You’re home late.”

“Yeah, well I won the cheers!”

“Ah, what’d you say?”

“What’d I say..” The man thinks for a moment, he doesn’t want to get in trouble with his wife, “I said cheers to spending the rest of my life.. at church next to my wife!”

“Aww, such a lovely thing to say” exclaims the wife and she goes back to sleep.

The very next day the wife is waiting in line at the local bakery. A man who heard the cheers at the pub walks up to the wife and says, “You know your husband devoted the cheers to you last night.”

To which the wife replies, “Yeah I don’t understand it, I mean he hasn’t been down there in years and I have to pull his ear to come!”

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Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

^^^^^^

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Painter: How are my paintings selling?

Gallery Owner: Well, there is some good news and some bad news. A man came in the other day and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.

Painter: Wow! That’s terrific! What’s the bad news?

Gallery Owner: He was your surgeon

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A train hits a bus filled with girls going to their Catholic High School and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Wendy, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Stacy, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Tina, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Melissa sticks her ass in it.

“““““

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