It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearlygates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 27th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 28th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died?”, he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator …”

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

Very good, said her mother. Is it because Im blonde? the girl said. Yes, its because youre blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

Very good, said her mother. Is it because Im blonde, Mommy? Yes, its because youre blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because Im blonde, mommy? No Honey, its because youre 24.

“““““

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Guy gets a new job at an all in one store. His manager says that he works on commission so just try to sell a few things and he’ll come back and check on him later. At the end of the day he comes back and asks the salesman how many sales he had.

The guy replies “1”. The manager says “Well geez, normally our guys do 15-20 a day. How much was your sale?” The guy replies back “$221,536.87” The manager yells “Holy shit! What did you sell???”

“Well, the guy was buying a small fish hook, so I got him to buy a medium hook and a large hook. I asked him what he was going to fish with and I talked him into a new pole. He also needed bait. I asked him where he was goin fishing, he said probably the creek and I told him he had to go out on the lake. Well, he didn’t had a boat so I took over to the marina section and he bought a twin V skipper.

Then he realized he couldn’t tow it with his car so we went to automotive and he bought a new truck.” Thoroughly impressed, the manager said “he came in for a fishing hook and you got him to buy all that?” The salesman replied “oh no. He came in for tampons and I said buddy your weekend is fucked, you better go fishing.”

“””””

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In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: “I’m leaving for the crusade.

Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs.”

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe.

He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing extremely fast across the drawbridge, yelling: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Thank goodness I was able to catch you, the squire says. This is the wrong key!

——-

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