Bunch of Menkind Jokes:

Men Are Like… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men Are Like… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men Are Like… Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

Men Are Like… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men Are Like… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

Men Are Like… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.

Men Are Like… Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

Men Are Like… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men Are Like… Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men Are Like… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men Are Like… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Men Are Like… Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men Are Like… Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? – Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?” The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.” The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or my ass sweetie, then what are you doing?” He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’aam, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,’Vair in da hell is dis naked lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that’s a REAL Businessman!

“““““

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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

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An elderly married couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.’

The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98.

The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the exact amount and hands it to the cashier.

A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, I’d be honored to buy you another burger and fries.

The old man turns to the young man and says, Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.

The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit. Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to eat.

A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food, he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the couple and says, I really would be honored to buy you another meal.’

The old man says, No, thank you. We share everything, and calmly resumes eating.

I just hate to see you go hungry, the young man laments to the woman.

Oh, I’m not going hungry, the old woman says. I’m waiting for the teeth.

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