The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “Do you know how hard it is to make an alligator look like a Dachshund

——-

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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $89.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $124.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.” In disgust the bartender says, “what, no drink for me this time?”

The drunk replies, “No, you get violent when you drink.”

——-

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A man gets audited by the IRS and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, “Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler.”

“I am not a terrible gambler,” the man replies. “I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.” he says to the auditor.

“You can’t bite your own eye,” the auditor replies. “I’ll take your bet.”

The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor is in shock, he just bet this man $1,000 in front of a lawyer. The man however is generous.

“Ok, that wasn’t really fair. You didn’t know that I had a glass eye. So, for double or nothing I bet you I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor is skeptical, but after careful examination determines that there is no way he has two glass eyes. “Fine, double or nothing, you cannot bite your other eye.”

The man reaches into his mouth and pulls out his false teeth and carefully makes them bite down on his other eye.

The auditor is completely taken aback. How could he possibly be so dumb as to take that bet.

“Ok,” the man says again. “You didn’t know I had dentures, so I will give you one last chance. Double or nothing, I bet you I can stand on this side of your desk and piss over your desk and into that wastebasket without getting a single drop on your desk.”

The auditor backs up and looks at the distance. There is no way the man could physically maintain a stream that could reach that distance. It had to be impossible.

“I have no choice,” the auditor says. “I’ll take the bet.”

The man stands up, walks to the side of the desk and proceeds to piss all over the auditors desk, not a single drop reaching the wastebasket.

The auditor leaps from his seat and cheers his victory. The lawyer however, has his face in his hands, audibly groaning.

“Wait,” the auditor says. “Why are you so upset?”

“Before we came in, he bet me $20,000 he could walk in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it.”

——-

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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??” “No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

——-

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