A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

“First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this, and I mean no one.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third”, Bobby Lee said, “In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.

And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!

After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.

The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?

Little Johnny replies: No maam, its just painful to see you standing all alone.

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I fell down and bumped my head when you walked in the room so I need your name and number for insurance purposes.

Hey baby, did you just break wind? Cause you’re blowing me away.

Did you get those jeans on sale? Cause at my house they’re 100% off.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can’t hold it in.

Nice legs…what time do they open?

Hey. Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.

What has 42 teeth and is strong enough to hold the incredible hulk? My zipper.

Well here I am. What are your other two wishes?

I wish you were my homework so I could do you on the table.

I’m blind. Can you hold my stick and show me where to go?

Excuse me miss, the word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

Let’s do math. Add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply.

You’ve been a very naughty girl. Now let’s go to my room.

I would buy you a drink but I’d be jealous of the glass.

Are you an Advil. Cause I’d like to take you every 2-4 hours.

If I had a nickel for everytime I saw someone beautiful as you, I’d have 5 cents.

Hey you look familiar. Have I seen you in my bed before?

Can I write your name on my forehead just in case I forget who’s name I’ll be screaming tonight and for the rest of the week?

Are you a graveyard? Because I’m dead inside and want to bury myself in you.

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A young couple, on their way to the church to get married, die in a car crash… At the pearly gates they are greeted by Archangel Michael and they immediately ask:

Tell us, Michael, is it possible to get married in heaven? Archangel, responds, puzzled: – Hang on a minute, nobody asked this before, let me go and find out. After he leaves the young couple starts to ponder what will happen if don’t get along and eventually want to get divorced?

They patiently wait for Archangel’s return and finally, after three months, he arrives with a smile on his face: – Great news you two! I found out that yes, you can get married in heaven! So the young couple says: – Listen, Michael, we were wondering, what if we stop loving each other and want to get a divorce in the future, is that possible? Can you find out?

Archangel turns around reluctantly and heads back towards the gates, grumbling to himself:

It took me three months to find a priest in heaven… now they want me to go and find a lawyer?!

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