A young couple, on their way to the church to get married, die in a car crash… At the pearly gates they are greeted by Archangel Michael and they immediately ask:

Tell us, Michael, is it possible to get married in heaven? Archangel, responds, puzzled: – Hang on a minute, nobody asked this before, let me go and find out. After he leaves the young couple starts to ponder what will happen if don’t get along and eventually want to get divorced?

They patiently wait for Archangel’s return and finally, after three months, he arrives with a smile on his face: – Great news you two! I found out that yes, you can get married in heaven! So the young couple says: – Listen, Michael, we were wondering, what if we stop loving each other and want to get a divorce in the future, is that possible? Can you find out?

Archangel turns around reluctantly and heads back towards the gates, grumbling to himself:

It took me three months to find a priest in heaven… now they want me to go and find a lawyer?!

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A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain “How did you get your peg leg?” The captain replies “Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg.” The sailor then asks “How did you get the hook?” To which the captain replies “I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand.” “Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?” “Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye.” “Why didn’t you wipe it out?” “Twas me first day with the hook.”

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One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: “Hey God, isn’t 1 million years like a second to you?”

God: “Hm, that’s pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me”

Man: “Then 1 million dollars would be like… a penny to you, wouldn’t it?”

God: “Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me.”

Man: “Can I have a penny as it means to you?”

God: “Sure. Just a sec.”
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There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.

One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces.

The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up: “sir… The fly is still alive.” “Ah, si” replies the swordsman “but he will never be a father”

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