So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late. “So what’s the excuse this time,” she said. “Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I swear,” he slurred. “Where?” she asked. “Uhhh…I can’t remember exactly, but wherever it is, they have golden urinals.” He then proceed to pass out. Now, he had given some weird excuses before, but this one was just bizarre, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and call around town to find the golden urinal bar. After being hung up on many times, she calls the last bar in town. “Hello? I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys have golden urinals?” The bartender then pulls the phone from his face and shouts, “Hey, Jerry! We found the guy that pissed in your saxophone.”

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A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I acquired this one.

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There was a 5 year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,

“All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now ’cause the train’s getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo.”

The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,

“Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can’t play with your train set for two hours.”

So the boy took his nap and didn’t even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,

“Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed ’cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!”

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Teacher: “Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development. At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.

Teacher: “Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny’s crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems – that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom.”

Everybody agreed to this plan. Next day… Teacher: “Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita.”

Anita: “Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn’t have to walk so far to get bread and milk.” Teacher: “Very good Anita! Yes – Suzie!”

Suzie: “Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home.”

Teacher: “Excellent, thank-you Suzie! At this point, little Johnny’s hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: “Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.”

Little Johnny: “Near my home, they are building a brothel.”

All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, “Hey, relax girls… it hasn’t opened yet!”

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