So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t give a shit, my car was parked around the corner…

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Greg and Dan were returning from installing hardwood floors in a home several hours away from their shop when they were caught in a sudden snow storm.

They pulled into a farm yard, an attractive, middle aged lady answered the door, and they explained their plight and asked if they could spend the night.

“Of course,” she answered, However I am a recent widow and it would not be proper for you to stay in the house, but you can put down some hay and sleep on the floor in the wood barn out back.”

They left early the next morning, the storm had passed. Greg never thought anymore about the incident until nine months later when he got a letter from the widow’s attorney.

He confronted his partner Dan the next morning at their shop, Remember when we had to sleep on the floor in that barn during that storm last winter, you didn’t happen to visit the widow during the night and use my name instead of yours, did you?”

“Uh, actually I did,” Dan admitted looking a little sheepish, “I’m sorry, I should not have done that.”

“No problem,” Greg laughed, “She just died and left me the farm.”

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Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?”

Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO”!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?”

Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”

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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

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