One day a father was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and *shock* he hadn’t bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was ‘now or never’, he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the sales employee. When asked what he’d like, he simply says: “a Barbie Doll”.

The sales employee looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, “So Sir, which Barbie would that be?”

The man looks surprised so the sales employee continues, “We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99.”

The man can’t help himself and asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???”

“Well Sir, that’s quite obvious!” says the sales employee,

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture ….

——-

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The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Keller, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Wendy stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Keller ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Wendy’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Tommy stood up, looked around nervously and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Keller said, “Very good, Tommy,” then turned to Wendy and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn’t read your homework; and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

“““““

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS agent.”

“You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway.”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, kid, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: “I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
“““““

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Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Flooring Company‘s Halloween Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didnt taste like alcohol at all. He didnt even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Stacy

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks, Son…. what happened last night?

Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up all over the wood floors, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?

His son replies, Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,Leave me alone, Im married!

——-

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