Joe and Steve had a hard day’s work installing wood floors. They like to relax after work and got out to a bar for a drink a few times a week. After getting a nice buzz Joe turns to Steve and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

Steve looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘How about a BJ?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”

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A grade school teacher was asking his students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?”
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a fireman.”
“Thank you, Amy” said the teacher. “What does your parent do,Kenny?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and went toKenny’s house and rang the bell.Kenny’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.Kenny’s dad said, “I’m actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

——-

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A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.

“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”

“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.”

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Buffy and Dana, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Buffy says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Dana?’ Dana slipped over the sideand finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Buffy’. So they row a little farther…. Again Buffy asks Dana, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Dana slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.’

So on they row and row and row, and finally Dana slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Buffy is really getting worried when suddenly Dana breaks the surface gasping for breath. ‘Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?’

‘Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel…’

——-

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