Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,

“Bring me my brown pants!”

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Cowboy Bob walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay Bar.

What the heck,’ he says to himself, ‘I really want a drink.’

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, ‘What’s the name of your manhood?’

Cowboy Bob says, ‘Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.’

The gay waiter says, ‘I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan ‘Just Do It.’

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It Really Satisfies.’

Cowboy Bob looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So Cowboy Bob asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, ‘Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?’

The man looks back and says with a smile, ‘TIMEX.’

The thirsty cowboy asks, ‘Why Timex?’

The fella proudly replies, ‘Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!’

A little shaken, Cowboy Bob turns to two fella’s on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ‘So, what do you guys call yours?’

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, ‘FORD, because ‘Quality is Job One’.’ Then he adds, ‘Have you driven a Ford lately?’ The guy next to him then says, ‘I call mine CHEVY…..’Like a Rock!’… And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, Cowboy Bob has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,’The name of my dikk is SECRET. Now give me a beer.’

The bartender begins to pour Cowboy Bob a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ‘Why Secret?’

Cowboy Bob says, ‘Because it’s’ STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!

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Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a metal band shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Johnny Spluck, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Miller, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter.

“While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

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