Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail.”

Then he asked the second, “What did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….”

“””””

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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s whore.”

“””””

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There was man whose wife was always trying to save money. She used coupons, barely ran the AC, and stuff like that. She also didn’t like to use the car much, to save on gas, tires, brakes, etc. Her habit annoyed her husband sometimes.

One day while taking the bus home from work, the man noticed that there was often a lot of traffic and he wondered if he could run home just as fast as the bus takes him. So the next day he decided to try it. After work, he headed over to the bus stop, sat down, and put on a pair of sneakers. As soon as he saw the bus he started running. He ran the entire length of the route.

And he even arrived home earlier than he usually does. He thought his wife would be happy. He said to her, “Honey, I saved us $2 by not taking the bus. I jogged alongside the bus all the way home!” And she thought for a moment and replied, “Next time, you can save $20 if you run beside a taxi!”
“””””

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer’s field. They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer’s wife into the bard and drops his pants. He has a green penis that’s about an inch long erect and narrow like a pencil. The farmer’s wife giggles a little until the alien twists his left ear. His penis extends to 13 inches. The alien then twists his right ear and his penis thickens to the width of a Red Bull can.

The next morning the aliens leave after breakfast and the husband asks his wife how it went. “Wonderful, I’m glad we agreed”, she replied. “How about you?”

The farmer says tells her it seemed really strange and very different from human sex. “How so?”, asked the wife?

“Well, all she did was play with my ears the whole time…”

“””””

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