A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” he volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident.

“Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was!” said Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F*ck”, the Rottweiler ate him!”

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A man and his mother-in-law went to Jerusalem and while they were there the mother-in-law passes away. The priest says to the man, “for $150 we can bury your mother-in-law here or for $5000 we can ship her back home to be buried. The man replies, “oh I will definitely have her shipped back home because if I remember correctly awhile back a man was buried here and after 3 days he came back to life”.
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A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”

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