Dugly was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering briefly, Dugly decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Dugly.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Dugly soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Dugly. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”

Again, Dugly thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Dugly.

Although he survived, it took several months before Dugly fully recovered. Now Dugly was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Dugly, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”

“””””

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A man is driving late at night when his car breaks down in front of a remote Buddhist monastery.
He knocks on the door and the monks open it. He tells the monks about his situation, and how he can’t call for a mechanic at those hours of the night, so he asks them if he can stay the night in the Buddhist monastery. The monks happily agree, and give him a room with a bed to sleep on.

In the middle of the night, the man wakes up hearing a strange noise. He follows the noise and sees that its source is a strange door made of wood, but it’s locked. The following morning, the monks give the man breakfast and fix his car. He thanks the monks and asks them:

“Honorable monks, I cannot thank you enough for your generosity, but I must ask you a question. Last night I heard a strange noise coming from behind a locked wooden door, and I’m dying to know what the source of the noise is.”

The leader of the monks responds:

“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”

The man thanks the monks again and leaves disappointed. A year goes by, and the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the same monastery. He knocks on the door again and they greet him as an old friend, giving him once again a bed to sleep on. In the middle of the night, the man hears the same strange noise, and follows it again to see it’s coming from the same wooden door, which is still locked. In the morning, the monks once again gave him breakfast and fixed his car, and as he was about to leave the man once again implored the monks to know what was behind the wooden door:

“Thank you once again, kind monks. It has been one whole year and I still wonder what the source of the strange noise is, as I’ve heard it again last night.”

The Buddhist monks all look at each other and cackle. The leader once again steps forward and tells the man:

“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”

The man leaves frustrated once again, and doesn’t stop thinking about the strange noise for months. Two years later, the man coincidentally breaks down in front of the monastery once again, and once again the monks give him shelter. The man hears the strange noise in the night again, and in the morning asks the monks:

“Please, kind monks. I must know the source of the noise, I beg you.”

The Buddhist monks explain to the man once again:
.
“We cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.”

The man asks them what he has to do to become a monk. They tell him he must travel the world and count all the leaves in the world’s trees, all the blades in the world’s grass, all the grains of the world’s sand, and all the drops of water in the world’s oceans. He must return with the exact number, and only then will he become a monk and be able to learn the source of the sound.

The man sets out on his quest to become a monk, and 65 years later returns to the monastery as an old man.

“I have traveled the world,” he said. “I have counted every leaf in the trees, every blade of grass, every grain of sand, and every drop in the ocean. There are 1572794609028 leaves in the world’s trees, 3651820812479 blades of grass in the world, 6810329185872 grains of sand in the world, and 10752899862394 drops of water in the world’s oceans.”

“Congratulations,” the leader of the monks said. “You are now a monk. Please, come with us.”

The Buddhist monks took the man to an initiation ceremony. They gave him his robes and shaved all his hair. The man requested to be taken to the wooden door to learn the source of the strange sound, so the monks took him and gave him the key. The man opened the wooden door, just to find a door made of stone behind it. He asked for the key to the stone door, and the monks gave it to him. He opened the stone door to find a door of coal behind it.

One by one, the man kept unlocking and opening doors. After the door of coal he found a door of glass, then a door of iron, then a door of steel, then a door of bronze, then a door of silver, then a door of ruby, then a door of sapphire, then a door of emerald, then a door of gold, then a door of platinum, then a door of diamond, and finally a door of obsidian.

“This is the final door,” said the leader of the monks. “Behind it you will find the source of the strange sound.”

The monks handed the man the key to the door of obsidian and, as he opened it, the man finally found the source of the strange sound…

But I cannot tell you, because you are not a monk.

“””””

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While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the lady.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the head of state.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. “Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: “Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. “I don’t understand,” stammers the head of state. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

“””””

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once again he replies: “no, no I haven’t!” and she leans over and gives him a kiss.

Finally, she asks: “have you ever been fucked?”

He says “no, no I haven’t!!” And she says “well you are now, the tides coming in!!”

“””””

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