It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Crap!” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

“““““

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Larry!”

“““““

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A little old lady went into The Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted on speaking with the president of the bank. Because she was a little old lady and it was such a lot of money. They were finally able to get her in to the president’s office.

He asked her how much she would like to deposit. She said she had $165,000 and then she dumped the money out onto his desk. The president, surprised, was curious to know how she came by so much cash.

“I make bets.” she replied.

The president asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

“Well,” said the little old lady, “for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win with that kind of bet!”

The old lady quickly responded, “So, would you like to take my bet?” ”

SureӬ said the president,

“I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls aren’t square”¨

The little old lady said, “Okay, but since there’s a lot of money involved, is it okay with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am to witness?”

“Absolutely!” said the president.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet, and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls; turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure there was no way his balls were square.

Next morning, at 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet.

The president agreed to the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could see. The president did so. The old lady looked closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well… okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Then he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

“What’s wrong with your lawyer?” he asked.

The little old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 am today I’d have the Bank of America’s President’s balls in my hands.”

“““““

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Sven was looking for a job and heard that there was an opening for a janitor at the local Babtist church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

“What? We’re sorry but you can’t work here. You have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.

He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.

The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor exclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

“““““

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