Before you go out getting sloppy drunk and start phoning every friend, family, relative, or random person you can come across – there are a few rules you must know. Etiquette is very important, especially when drunk dialing.

1. Only drunk dial when youre drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2. Its okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you dont remember it, it didnt happen.
3. If youre going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. Mom Im in McDonalds and theyre playing our song. I love you.
4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesnt want to hear raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to get bent over?
5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friends can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, or even weeks to come.
6. Drunk texting is OK, but only if youre prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you sober up.
7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they ever had, and everything they know they learned from you. This way you can all sleep well at night.
8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that I would still love me too!
9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10. Its always a good idea to sing on someones answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted, or dirty and sex crazed…. Never angry.
12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. Theyre usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that you have a problem.
13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is a bad thing which usually leads to angry dialing.
15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friends. Its karma.

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A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

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Dustin and Jane (both blonde) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, What ever possessed you to study Russian?

The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so hell start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.

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Three friends were playing golf one beautiful Sunday morning, as usual, and they never missed a weekend. As one of them was about to take the first tee a guy, by himself, asked if he could join their flight. The friends looked at each other and figured sure, why not, as they havent played with anyone else in quite some time.

So they teed off and all four were getting along pretty well. Right about the turn, on the 9th hole, they were all chit chatting and getting to know one another. Curious, one of the friends asked the new guy what he did for a living and, funny enough, he told them he was a hitman. They all kind of laughed it off, and asked him again – this time seriously.

The stranger said No really, Im hitman. My gun is in my golf bag, I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you dont believe me, Ive never been dishonest.

So one of the guys in the group decided to take him up on the offer and, opening the bag, sure enough revealed a really nice rifle with huge scope mounted at the top. He got all excited about it. He said WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look through it?

Sure, said the stranger.

So the man looked around for a second and said HELL YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. Theres my wife, naked. Sweet! Isnt she beautiful? WAIT! Theres my next door neighbor! Hes naked too! And hes in my room!

This upset the golfer, terribly, so he asked the hitman how much he would charge for a hit. The hit man replied Its $1000 every time I pull the trigger. The man said $1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. Shes always nagging at me and I cant stand it. Then I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the crotch, for screwing around with my wife.

The hit man agrees, gears up and takes aim through the scope. Hes looking for what has to be 10 minutes. The golfer begins to get impatient and asks the hitman what hes waiting for. The hitman replies kind of anxiously, Just hold on a minute…. Im about to save you a thousand bucks!

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