Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.
A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack.
‘Meow!’ says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, ‘Stupid cats.’
He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, ‘Woof!’
‘Stupid dogs!’ says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, ‘Potato potato!’

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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”

Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”, replied the man.

“What?” shouted the lawyer.

“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”

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Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?! Whoa! Dont yell! the blonde on the ladder explained, If its pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If its pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, Dont throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! Theyre for the other side of the house! Duh!

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An elderly woman, distressed over the recent death of her husband, decided to endher life early to be with her husband in the afterlife.

She went to her doctors the next day and asked, Doctor, where is my heart?. He replied, On a womans body, it is just below the left breast. With that said she went home, took her husbands loaded handgun, and shot herself. A neighbor, overhearing the gunfire, immediately called 911. The ambulance arrived, and she was admitted to the hospital with a gun-shot wound just below her left knee.
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