A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of New York City.

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.

St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.

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NICKNAMES
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt need but its on sale.

BATHROOMS
1. A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
2. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

……………..

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Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks hes pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Bob! How ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

Oh no, says Bob. Hes in my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, How did she know that you drink Budweiser?

I recognize her; shes the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?

Bobs wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.

The funeral for BOB is on Friday.

……………..

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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadnt been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, Were not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned and replied, I didnt come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding the bucket up he said, Im here to feed the alligator.

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast!

……………..

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