A man is driving with his wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.

“Sir,” says the cop. “You were going 60 in a 50 miles per hr speed zone.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were,” says the wife.

“Keep quiet!” says the man, angrily.

“And you weren’t wearing a seatbelt,” says the cop.

“Yes I was.”

“No, you weren’t,” says the wife.

“SHUT UP!” says the man, really angry.

“Ma’am,” asks the cop, “is he always this rude and violent?”

“Only when he’s DRUNK.”

……………..

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A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”

Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”

The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

……………..

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A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over. When he asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to do a show that night for a birthday party and didn’t want to be late.

The Officer told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn’t give him a ticket.

The driver told the Officer that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle. The Officer told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Officer got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Officer observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there’s no way in hell I can pass that test.”

……………..

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Three guys are drinking at the local bar.

The first one brags, “I married me a good woman from North Dakota.I told her that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry.

The first day we was married, she did the cleaning. The second day we was married, she was doing the cleaning and cooking.

By the third day we was married, she cooked, cleaned and had all the laundry done. She’s been doing everything ever since! That’s those good women from North Dakota.”

The second guy brags, “I married me a good woman from Wisconsin. I told her that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work and keep me and my friends happy.

The first day I saw she could cook and clean.

The second day I saw she could cook, clean, do the laundry and take care of the lawn.

The third day I saw she cooked a five course meal, cleaned the house, did the laundry, weed wacked and edged the lawn, and she brought me and my friends beers! Thats those good women from Wisconsin.”

The third guy remained silent for awhile and then spoke up, “I married me a woman from Minnesota.
I told her my home is my castle and I am the king and ruler and what I say goes!

The first day, I didn’t see anything. The second day, I couldn’t see anything either.

By the third day, the swelling was going down in my left eye and I could see out a little bit.”

……………..

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