Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”

————

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

Some DEEP THOUGHTS to start off your week with:

. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

. Clones are people two.

. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.

. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

. I went to a store which said open 24 hours and he was closing. When I asked why he said, “We’re open 24 hours, but not in a row.”

. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

. Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

————

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

 A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!”

“And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”
 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money, ” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

————

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com