On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…. for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?’ Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes,’ he informed the couple, ‘You can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple. ‘But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’ St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple. ‘OH, COME ON!!!’ St. Peter shouted. ‘It took me 3 months to find a Catholic priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?

——-

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Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

“Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it… This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!

“””””

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Two prawns, named Christian and Billy are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Billy help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish for saving me.”

Christian thinks and says, “I wish to be attractive to lady prawns.” Cod grants his wish.

Billy thinks and says, “I’m tired of being the bottom of the food chain. Make me into a dangerous predator.”

So Cod turns Billy into a shark and swims away. Of course, Christian is terrified, swims under a pile of rocks and refuses to come out, no matter what Billy says.

Distraught, Billy seeks out the magic codfish once again. As he swims, most fish flee at the sight of him, or keep pace just behind his fins.

Finally he finds the codfish, this time stuck in a bicycle wheel. Billy frees him and wishes to go back to how he was. Then, wish granted, he happily swims back home to his friend, still under the pile of rocks.

“I have wonderful news,” says Billy. “My journey has been long and arduous, but I’ve found Cod, and I’m a prawn again, Christian!”

——-

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A guy goes to a party and meets a gorgeous girl on a wheel chair. They hit it off and by the end of the night they’re both really horny and she tells him to go to her place. When they arrive to the doorstep she grabs a duffel bag that was hidden behind a bush and instructs the guy to take her to the back of the house.

The guy is a little weirded out, but he obligues. When they get there she starts undressing and pulls a harness out of the bag, instructing the guy to install it on the tree and help her to get “in position”. They have weird but awesome sex, and when they’re done he lifts her from the harness, sits her on the wheelchair and helps her get inside her home. As he is walking away the door opens again, and he sees the father of the girl calling him.

He starts walking a little faster trying to get away from the angry dad, but he keeps calling him, and at the end he stops, bracing himself. The dad catches up to him, and tells him “Every Saturday morning I wake up to my naked daughter hanging from a tree, I just wanted to thank you for helping her get inside the house”

“””””

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