A guy is driving to his girlfriends house to pick her up for a date. The problem is he has terrible gas and it stinks. He is farting all the way there and all the way up to the front door. He’s still farting when she opens it unexpectedly.

“Come in silly. Why are you just standing there?” She asks. “I’m just finishing my makeup. Come meet my dad and I’ll be right down.”

He meets the dad who invites him to have a seat across the living room from him. They make small talk until the family dog comes over to the boyfriend. He pets the excited dog and accidentally let’s a little fart out.

“Rusty!” says the dad angrily. The boyfriend immediately wonders if the dad thinks the dog made the smelly fart. To test his theory, he lets a little more out.

“Rusty!!” bellows the father once again. At this point, the boyfriend is convinced the dad thinks the dog is farting so he lets out the rest of the built up gas.

Immediately, the father says “Rusty! Get over here before he shits on you!”

“””””

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A charity collector knocks on the door of a wealthy man’s mansion.

The man opens the door, and the collector says, “Good afternoon, sir. I’m from the local charity. Our records show that you haven’t contributed anything to our cause, despite your apparent wealth. Would you be willing to make a donation to help those in need?”

The wealthy man looks at the collector and says, “Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who is struggling to pay her medical bills?”

The collector, looking concerned, replies, “No, sir, we didn’t know that.”

The man continues, “Do your records show that my brother lost his job and is drowning in debt?”
The collector, now even more concerned, says, “No, sir, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

The man goes on, “Do your records show that my sister is a single mother with three kids who can barely make ends meet?”

The collector, feeling sympathetic, responds, “No, sir, I had no idea your family was going through such tough times.”

The man then leans in and says, “Well, if I’m not giving them any money, what makes you think I’m going to give any to you?”

“””””

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A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and leaves the bedroom.

He sits at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee – deep in thought… just staring at the wall. She can see a tear slipping from his eyes and he takes a long sip of his coffee. “What’s wrong, darling? Why are you sitting in the kitchen at this hour?” she asks him.

“Do you remember when we had our first date 20 years ago? You were only 16!” he asks her.
“But yes!” she replies.

“Do you remember when your dad caught us making love in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember it well, I’ll never forget it.”

“Do you also remember when he held his gun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or you go to prison for the next 20 years!?’

“Oh yeah!” she says.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “You know… today I would have been released from prison” and breaks into a deep sob.
“””””

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An American man goes to China for vacation. Being in a faraway country, he acts carelessly. He visits many brothels and never uses a condom. A week after he returns to the United States, he sees that his penis is full of bright green and purple spots and decides to see a doctor.

The doctor examines the man but can’t diagnose him, so he orders some tests and tells him to come back in two days when he has the results available. The man goes back to the doctor two days later.
Yes doctor, do you know what’s wrong with me?

According to the test results, you have contracted a venereal disease of Mongolian origin, which is rare in these parts.

Then give me some medication or something so I can get better as soon as possible.
I’m sorry, there’s no known cure for this disease. I’m afraid we’re going to have to amputate your penis.
Absolutely not. I want to see another doctor.

OK, it’s your decision. But there’s no other option but to cut it off.
The man walks out of the doctor’s office and after some research he finds a Chinese doctor, assuming he would be more knowledgeable since he was from that region. The Chinese doctor examines the man:

Oh yes, Mongolian venereal disease. It’s very rare.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, I’ve heard all this before. Now tell me how we can cure it. The first doctor I went to was talking about cutting off my penis.

Stupid American doctors. After all, they say surgery is essential in all cases to earn extra money, there is no need to cut off your penis, said the Chinese doctor, laughing.

“Thank God!” says the man, being relieved.
Wait two weeks, and your penis will fall off by itself!

“””””

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