A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.

“She flirt with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.

“How so?” the encouraged man asked.

“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

“””””

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A teacher has an activity for the class. “I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories.” The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories.

There are funny stories, wholesome stories, and many more. Finally, only Jane is left. The teacher calls on her and she starts with her story.

“My father told me that my mother fought in Operation Desert Storm. She was piloting a fighter jet when its engines malfunctioned. She had no choice but to parachute out of the jet. While falling, she realised that she had a gun, a knife, and a large bottle of whiskey. She quickly drank the whiskey. Due to an extraordinary amount of bad luck, she lands smack in the middle of a desert, amidst more than a hundred Iraqi soldiers. She did not hesitate, and the Iraqi soldiers did not stand a chance. Mum pulled out the gun and shot 25 soldiers till all the bullets were gone. Then she used the knife and stabbed another 40 soldiers until its blade broke. As for the other 35 soldiers, she killed them with her bare hands!” The teacher is in shock after hearing Jane’s account, and the other students are all very frightened. The teacher stammers,” W-what is the m-moral of your st-story?” Jane said,” Dad says: ” Don’t mess with your mother when she’s drunk.”

“””””

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it.”
The man perplexed asks, “Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion… !!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ahh… yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself.”

“””””

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. “How did you get that wooden leg?” he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. “‘Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg.”

The bartender said “What about your hook?”

The pirate took another long swig. “Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off.”

The bartender was growing sceptical. “And how did you get that eyepatch?”

The pirate took another swig. “Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marrooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye.”

The bartender said “That’s ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck.”

The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. “Twas the first day with the hook.”

“””””

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