A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, “Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I’m sure!” replies the corporal. “I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!” So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterwards, the soldiers walk drunk out of the bar and run into two prostitutes, a blonde and a brunette. “Hey!” say the prostitutes. “Wanna have a good time?”

“I would!” says the sergeant. “Me too!” says the corporal.

“Are you sure about that?” the sergeant asks again. “Of course I’m sure!” replies the corporal. “I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!” So the sergeant takes the blonde and the corporal takes the brunette.

“I must warn you,” says the brunette, “I have the clap.” Neither of the two soldiers know what “the clap” is, so the sergeant looks it up in his pocket dictionary. “It’s safe,” he tells the corporal.
A week later, the sergeant visits the corporal in the hospital. “Why did you tell me it was safe?” asks the corporal.

“The dictionary told me the clap only affects the privates,” replies the sergeant, “and you are a corporal now.”

——-

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Mary goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Mary tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.” She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

“””””

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The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.
“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I’ve seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked body.”

“Of course, I won’t laugh.”, said the nurse to the patient. I am a professional. In over twenty years, I have never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then”, said the patient and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with a the smallest adult male organ , the nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the patient’s private part, she composed herself, as well as she could.

“I am so sorry”, the nurse said. “I do not know what came over to me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen”, the patient replied.

“””””

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A family had just moved to the US from India. They had a young daughter, like 5 years old, who was still learning English. One day the Indian girl fell down the stairs while playing outside. She ran in crying and saying “The stairs hit me!”… once she calmed down her dad corrected her and said “No no. You mean to say ‘I fell down the stairs’.”

A few days later they were in the grocery store. In the checkout line the cashier saw the girl’s bruised up legs and asked what happened. The daughter responded with “What did you tell me to say, dad? Oh right! I fell down the stairs.”

He had a fun time explaining that to the police.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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