An old woman sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

”Well, now,” says the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

”Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

“””””

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So a girl posts a dating ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you. And I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away!”.

She replies: “Well… but are you good in bed?”

To which he answers: “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

“””””

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So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate “why were you arrested?” The inmate replies him “My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup”.

He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmate the same question. The inmate replies him “My watch was always 10 minutes ahead and thus i always came early for work so they assumed that i came early because i’m a western spy.”

After that he goes to the third cell and asks inmate the same question like the previous 2. The inmate replies him “My watch was always correct and thus i always came to work on time so they assumed that i smuggled the watch from the west.”

“””””

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destina
tion—Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

“””””

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