A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, “That was incredible.”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

“””””

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A woman comes running into the ER with both arms in between her legs.

When she eventually gets seen by the doctor, he’s surprised to see both hands stuck .. up there.
“So, what exactly is the problem?” The doctor asks.

“I was holding my pet parakeet when it suddenly just flew out of my hands and right up there!” She explained. “I tried to use both hands to get it out and now they’re stuck and the bird is still in there.”
The doctor holds one hand up to his face to attempt to conceal a smile.

“What the hell is so funny?” She asks “I swear to God, if you say something about a bird in the hand and two in the bush, I’m suing this hospital!”

“No, ma’am” he says. “I was just thinking, if you could fit both hands and a parakeet, you could fit a cockatoo.”

“””””

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.

“On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?

“”Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

“”Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge.

“156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said,

This is your asshole before prison ..

“””””

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A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.

The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, “Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!”

The husband yells back, “We’re not having sex!”

Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.

Finally, the husband’s takes his shift in the watch tower.

His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.

The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!”

“””””

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