Randy’s head really hurts

One day, Randy complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Randy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.

Randy went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

“””””

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Fairy godmother

An old woman sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

”Well, now,” says the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

”Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

“””””

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Girl posts a dating ad online

So a girl posts a dating ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you. And I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away!”.

She replies: “Well… but are you good in bed?”

To which he answers: “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

“””””

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Inmates at Siberian Prison

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate “why were you arrested?” The inmate replies him “My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup”.

He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmate the same question. The inmate replies him “My watch was always 10 minutes ahead and thus i always came early for work so they assumed that i came early because i’m a western spy.”

After that he goes to the third cell and asks inmate the same question like the previous 2. The inmate replies him “My watch was always correct and thus i always came to work on time so they assumed that i smuggled the watch from the west.”

“””””

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