A woman died and went to heaven.

She got to the pearly gates to find an angel waiting.

“What do I have to do to get in?,” she asked.

“You just have to spell a word” the angel replied.

“That doesn’t sound bad, what word do I have to spell?”
“Love.”

Relieved, the woman quickly fired off “L-O-V-E”. The angel nodded and opened the gate.

Many months passed and one day the angel guarding the gate approached the woman and asked if she would mind watching the gate for the day. The woman agreed and assumed her post. While she’s there, a man approached the gate, and it was none other than her husband!
“Oh, my love!,” she cried, “What has happened to you so soon?”

“My dear, I was a wreck the day you left me. I fell into a deep depression that couldn’t be beaten. When you were in that accident, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I could do nothing but mourn for you,” he said.

“I hope you eventually were able to move on and not live with that pain for too long,” she consoled.

“Actually,” he replied, “there was a nurse that took wonderful care of you, and me as well! We eventually became very close, and she helped me so much. I eventually asked her to marry me. We were on our honeymoon when I got into a terrible skiing accident. That’s why I’m here! So…what do I have to do to get in?”

“You simply have to spell a word,” she informed him.

“That’s it? What a relief! What word do I have to spell?,” he inquired.

“Baccalaureate.”

“””””

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Two homeless guys are on the street in front of the Vatican.

One has a big cross and the other a star of David.

The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them.

He says to the beggar under the star of David, “my son this is a Catholic country. You’re never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fellow right next to you has a cross above him. In fact, I’ll bet some people would give to him purely to spite you.”

The one beggar turns to the other and says, “hey Moshe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldberg brothers about marketing!”

“””””

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A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

“Jim, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Jim grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: “Really should use spell check! That should be ‘wifi'”

“””””

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An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. “That’d be 3 dollars”, says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, “Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing.”

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, “People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…”

“””””

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