A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,

“W-w-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself:

“W-w-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-a-away p-p-policy?”

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him.

The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?”

The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”

“““““

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In a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN the only question asked was:

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.

And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

“““““

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.

“““““

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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter – let’s look for yours.”

“““““

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