An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed. His friends are gathered around him all somber.

The old man turns to one of them and says, “Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me.”

“Oh, no worries buddy.” says Vasya.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

“Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me.”

“No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven” says Petya.

“Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day.”

“Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace” says Misha.

“Thank you so much guys for being with me throughout all these years” says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. “I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon.”

His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, gathers his last strength and says.

“And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass.”

Just as his friends were about to say something, the old communist took his last breath and died.

So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend’s butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:

“Open up, it’s the police. We’ve received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death.”

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Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen ?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’, she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’

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Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.

The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically”

The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized”

The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded”

The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest”

The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”

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