On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” & bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“Wat are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, wat on this God’s earth are dey for?” Inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “Mercedes thinks of everything !”

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A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found.

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. “The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute.”

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.
The prosecution says: “she didn’t walk in.”

“But the fact that you were all staring at the door expectantly proves that there is reasonable doubt.”

The jury discusses. The defendant is found guilty.

“How can you send a man to prison on such flimsy evidence?” The lawyer says.

One juror says: “In the three minutes that passed, I looked through the courtroom, and I saw that the defendant was the only person who didn’t look at the door even once.”

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My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…”give me a minute let me check my account and I’ll phone u right back.”

Before I could check my account my friend’s mom phones and says, “Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.” Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!!

So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, “yea, I can help you” and met her and gave her an envelope of cash.

A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!”
I replied: ” so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!”

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An out-of-breath 8 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?”

He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity.

His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”

“““““

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