Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can’t see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear anything hit the bottom of the hole.

Eventually they find an old railroad tie and figure they’ll definitely hear that hit the bottom, so they lug it over and throw it in. A few seconds pass, but they still don’t hear it hit the bottom. They shrug and start to walk away, when all of a sudden a cow comes charging through the woods at them and jumps into the hole!

“That was crazy!” they say to each other as they’re walking out of the woods. A farmer is walking into the woods at the same time and greets them. The guys tell the farmer about the hole they found. The farmer asks if the guys have seen his cow. They say, “as a matter of fact we saw a cow come sprinting through the woods and jump into that hole!”

The farmer shakes his head and says, “hmm, well that couldn’t have been my cow. My cow was tied to a railroad tie.”

“””””

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Late one night at a bar I encountered a very attractive older woman.

She was 59 years old but still quite sexy and flirtatious.

We got to drinking, flirting and getting along well when suddenly she asked, “So, have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?”

I told her, “Well, not yet anyway.”

She quickly finished a shot of vodka and said, “Well, baby, tonight is your lucky night.”

We drove to her place and I could hardly contain myself as we walked up the driveway.

She unlocked the door and when we got inside she yelled out, “Ma, are you still awake?”

“””””

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As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $20 bill and a note in his mouth that reads: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of 10 pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus schedule and sits on the bench when a bus arrives, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. After a while, the dog stands on his back legs to pull the yellow stop cable. The butcher follows him off the bus.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself WHAP! against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy, “What the hell are you doing? This dog is a genius!”
The owner responds, “Genius my ass! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

“””””

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As the man made his way to his seat at the World Cup Final, he couldn’t help but feel excited.

But as he sat down by the pitch, he noticed the seat next to him was empty. “What a waste,” he thought to himself. “Who would have a seat like this and not use it?”

Curiosity getting the best of him, he leaned over to his neighbour and asked if someone would be sitting there. “No,” the neighbour replied. “The seat is empty.”

The man couldn’t believe it. “This is incredible,” he exclaimed. “But seriously, who in their right mind would pass up the chance to watch the World Cup Final from this seat?”

That’s when the neighbour dropped a bombshell. “Actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

The man’s heart sank. “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible.”
But then he had an idea. “Couldn’t you find someone else to take her seat? A friend, relative, or even a neighbour?”

The neighbour shook his head. “No,” he said. “They’re all at the funeral.”

“””””

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