Pearly Gates

Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, “How many men did you sleep with in life?”
The first woman said, “I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn’t sleep with him until after we were married.”

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, “Give her the key to the Silver Room.”
The angel gave the woman a silver key, and the woman went into Heaven with the key.

Then Saint Peter said to the second woman, “How many men did you sleep with in life?”
“I remained a virgin my whole life, for I was a nun and I devoted my life to God.”

Saint Peter turned to the angel and said, “Give her the key to the Golden Room.”
The angel gave the woman a golden key, and the woman went into Heaven with the key.
Then Saint Peter said to the third woman, “How many men did you sleep with in life?”

“I slept with 13 men before I started dating my husband, 35 men while we were dating, 49 men while we were engaged, 56 men while were were married, and 28 men after he died.”
Saint Peter turned to the angel and said, “Give her the key to my room.”

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The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.

He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazaam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.

The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and… Shazaam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

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The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ………………. and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!

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Jay and Dugly want to go drink

Jay and Dugly want to go drink in a bar. Problem is, they have no money. “No problem” says Jay, “I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won’t have to pay.”

Dugly agrees, takes the sausage and off they go in the bar. They drink, and after two or three rounds they see the bartender coming with the tab. So Dugly openes his trousers and shows part of the sausage, and Jay goes to town on it. Bartender is not amused and kicks them out.

Happy that it works they go to the next pub. Same game, they drink, have fun and when the tab arrives they play dip the sausage and get thrown out.

This goes on for a couple of bars, until after one throw down (or throw out) Jay shakes his head and tells Dugly “Sorry old friend, I can’t take any more beer or sausage tonight”. Dugly looks at him and answers “You have it easy, I lost the sausage three bars ago…”

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