Sven was looking for a job and heard that there was an opening for a janitor at the local Babtist church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

“What? We’re sorry but you can’t work here. You have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.

He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity.

The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor exclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

“““““

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Farmer Jeb decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'” questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Jeb responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Molly into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'”

Farmer Jeb said, “Well I had just got Molly into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Jeb’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Molly.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Molly, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign, and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Molly was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Molly moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Molly moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

It was then that I said, “I’m fine.”

“““““

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I get to work, late. My boss fires me. When I leave the building, I find out my car was stolen.

The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but it’s too late because the cab driver has already driven away.”

“I get home, and find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave, and come to this bar. Just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

“““““

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I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I was out of vacation time. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy — he’d think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she’s blonde … it’ll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

“Shh,” I said, “I’m acting crazy to get a few days off. I’m a light bulb.”

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. “I’m a light bulb!” I exclaimed.

“You’re going crazy,” he said. “Take a few days off.”

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker (the blonde) started following me, and the boss asked where she was going.

“I can’t work in the dark,” she said.

“““““

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