There were 2 women, Linda, and Angie standing at the Pearly Gates of heaven, exchanging stories on how they died.

Linda said that she had a heart attack. Angie said that she froze to death.

Angie asked, “How did you manage to have a heart attack?”

Linda said, ” Well it’s a long story, but here is the short version. I suspected my husband was cheating on me so I went home to catch him in the act. When i got home, he was sitting on the couch by himself.”

“I ran upstairs to check all the closets and under the beds and everything. I looked everywhere! I didn’t see anyone upstairs, so I went downstairs and checked all the closets, and cabinets and I didn’t see anybody.”

“After all that running around and excitement, I guess my heart just gave out.”

Angie said, Well if you would have looked in the freezer first, we would both still be alive!!!”

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There were three men stranded on an island and they found a lamp, so they rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie told them they all had one wish.

The first man wished, “I wish I was smartest man on earth”, poof, the wish was granted.

The second man wished, “I wish I was smarter than the first guy”, poof, his wish was granted.

It was the third guy’s turn and he wished, “I wish I was smarter than both of them put together”, poof, he turned into a woman!

“““““

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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW!” were heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long- neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says … “Had him circumcised.”

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Eddy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Eddy.

Six months later the doctor met Eddy on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

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