A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, Bartender, Id like to buy the house a round of drinks. The bartender said, No problem sir, but Ill need to see some money first. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender cant believe what hes seeing. Where did you get all that money?, asked the bartender. Im a professional gambler, replied the man. The bartender said, Theres no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?. Well, I only bet on sure things said the guy.

Like what? asked the bartender. Well, for example, Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye. The bartender thought about it. OK. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. Aw, you screwed me, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. Ill give you another chance. Ill bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, Well, I know youre not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. Ill take that bet. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Aw, you screwed me again. Thats how I win so much money, bartender. Ill just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, Bartender, Ill give you one last chance. Ill bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldnt even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. OK, youre on. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, Hey pal, you owe me $500!. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, Thats OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!.

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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

Not yet momma, said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you arent getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: Are you going to tell him, or should I?
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they dont sell rectum deodorant…. and that in fact hes never heard of it before.

The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

Im sorry, says the pharmacist, we dont have any.
But I always get it here, says the blonde.
Do you have the container it comes in? asks the pharmacist.
Yes! said the blonde, Ill go home and get it.

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: To apply, push up bottom.

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Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, My husband wants me to ask you¦ if its still okay

I know, I know. the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.

No, no¦ that’s not it at all, Samantha confessed. He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.
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