Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch….

Johnny ! shouted his mother. Watch your language! Youre not allowed to use the swearwords. But, Mom, replied the boy, thats what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it.

Next day Johnnys mother went right into the classroom to complain. Oh, heavens ! said the teacher. Thats not what I taught them. Theyre supposed to say, Two plus two, the sum of which is four.

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Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just dont know what its like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit were not as mysterious as women, theres still some things you need to know. Your man may just be too scared to tell you, so F&J is gonna do it for them. Yep thats us, standing up for mens rights everywhere. wOOt.

1. If youre cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
* Unless the answer is yes.
* In which case, can he videotape it?
3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
4. Dont make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when youre done.
7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
10. Dont hog the covers. Really.
11. If he has to sit through Legends of the Fall, you have to sit through Showgirls.
12. Fine. is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
14. If you truly want honesty, dont ask questions you dont really want the answer to.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesnt always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr…..
18. He does not want to be just friends.
19. Do not question a mans innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
20. He was not looking at that other girl.
* Well, okay…. maybe a little.
* Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy….
21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
30. He heard you the first time. Honest.
31. You know, you can ask him out too…. Lets spread the rejection around a little.
32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one youre with.
34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that….
37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: You know, why dont we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?

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An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – Doctor, I dont know what the problem is, but Ive been farting all the time. Its not really a problem socially because they dont make any noise and dont smell. I just cant stop farting all the time. In fact, since Ive been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times.

No kidding…. says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says Ive got just the stuff. and gives her some pills. Here take these for 10 days, then return for a followup appointment.

So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. What kind of medicine is this? Im still farting just as much! They still dont make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded, Great, now that weve your sinuses cleared up, well work on your hearing next!

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A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, Bartender, Id like to buy the house a round of drinks. The bartender said, No problem sir, but Ill need to see some money first. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender cant believe what hes seeing. Where did you get all that money?, asked the bartender. Im a professional gambler, replied the man. The bartender said, Theres no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?. Well, I only bet on sure things said the guy.

Like what? asked the bartender. Well, for example, Ill bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye. The bartender thought about it. OK. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. Aw, you screwed me, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. Ill give you another chance. Ill bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, Well, I know youre not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. Ill take that bet. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Aw, you screwed me again. Thats how I win so much money, bartender. Ill just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, Bartender, Ill give you one last chance. Ill bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldnt even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. OK, youre on. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, Hey pal, you owe me $500!. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, Thats OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!.

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