Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, dear,” replied granny, “many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

“””””

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying “All of You bastards who want off, get off now ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now ‘cos we’re going down the tracks”

The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added… “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat cunt in the kitchen.”

——-

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A guy is taking a dump in a public bathroom

When suddenly, he hears “Hello” from the next stall,
He replies “Hello?”

Another question follows up “How are you?”

Still confused, he replies “Fine, thanks”

“What are you doing?”

“Um, I’m in a toilet, what do you think?”

After a brief second, there’s another question “Hehe, can I join you?”

In shock, he replies “No way man, what the hell?”

Then he hears the guy in the next stall saying “I’m sorry babe, I’ll call you back later, some fucking moron thinks I’m talking to him”

——-

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A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.

They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress.

The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio.
She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?”

He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.”

He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that.

He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.”

“You mean measles?”

“No…kneesles.”

Then he removed his underwear. She sighed…

“Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
——-

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