The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Kenric the Dreamer. Kenric was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions were unknown.

“No onions!” mused the Dreamer. “Now what kind of pleasure can they derive from their food without onions? I’ll go there and introduce the delicious vegetable.” Without further delay he acquired a wagon-load of onions and started out for that country. It was a distant land and the journey took many months.

Immediately upon his arrival he went directly to the royal court and asked for an audience with the emperor.

“Your highness, I bring you a new vegetable that possesses the unique quality of improving all food,” began Kenric. “Even by itself it is a gourmet’s delight. I urge you to try it.”
“Very well,” agreed the monarch. “But if this strange vegetable should prove injurious you will forfeit your head.”

The dinner at which the onions were to be served was a formal one. All the ministers of state, the nobles, and high priests of the mighty realm were invited. The dishes which contained the onions were first tasted by Kenric the Dreamer, then by the slaves, and then, in turn, by the potentates and prelates. Finally the emperor tasted the new vegetable. The reaction among all was of great enthusiasm. Serf and sovereign alike pronounced it most excellent in flavor and succulence. The monarch appropriated the wagon-load of onions for his court and gave Kenric their weight in gold.

When the adventurer returned home, a committee of prominent citizens gathered to congratulate him on his good fortune. For hours he told his curious landsleit of the splendor and magnificence he had witnessed in this distant land where gold was cheaper than onions.
Fired by these tales, one enterprising individual, Dugly by name, conceived a plan by which he was certain to make even a bigger fortune than had Kenric the Dreamer. Garlic, he figured, is not only more expensive than onions but infinitely more fragrant. So why not take a few sacks of that delicacy to the faraway land? Sure, if they would exchange gold for onions, they would give him the equivalent weight in diamonds! Whereupon he set out for that mystic country with a cargo of five bags of garlic.

As did Kenric the Dreamer, he succeeded in inducing the emperor to give his innovation a trial. And, just as he had foretold, the garlic was relished much more than the onions. The monarch held a consultation with his ministers as to the form of recompense to be paid this noble visitor. Gold, they unanimously decided, would not be an adequate remuneration for such a desirable food in which even God and his angels might take delight. Therefore they decided to reward him with the most precious commodity in all the kingdom.

And so Dugly returned home with his reward – five sacks of onions.

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Phil, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.

His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.

He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Phil pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Phil thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop.

“But if you already knew, officer,” replied Phil, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Phil’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”

The cop took a good close look at Phil in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job!

Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Phil answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Phil’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Phil. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Phil explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.”

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?”

Phil said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

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A son goes up to his father, and just turning 16, asks him “Dad, can I take the car? I’d really like to take this girl on a date.” His father looks at him, and says “Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I’m going to need from you. First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. Not just what’s expected, but above and beyond. Second, start reading the Bible. I see the crap you continuously funnel into your brain, and you need to start reading something beneficial to yourself. Third, get a haircut. I’m tired of having a son that thinks he’s a rock star and that it’s cool to have long hair.” “Yes sir.” Is all that the son says, and moves along.

Over the course of the next week, the son starts doing what his father has asked of him, and feels as though he’s done a good job. So he once again goes up to his dad to ask about the car.

“Dad, do you have a second to talk about me taking the car out this weekend? I really want to take this girl out on a date.” He asks. His father replied “Son, your mom told me that there’s been some obvious changes with the way you help out around the house. Like how the other day, you cleaned out the garage without being asked. Good job on that. Also, the other night as I walked down the hallway, I noticed your lamp was on, so I peeked in and it looked to me as if you were reading the Bible.”

The son says, “Yes sir, I was…. So about the car?”

His father looks at him, then back down at the morning paper and simply replies “Haircut.”
The son, being too attached to his long locks, wracked his brain for a moment, then says “Well Dad, I’ve been thinking, after reading the Bible a bit, I’ve noticed that the apostles, and even Jesus himself had long hair.”

And without looking up, the father says, “Well yes son, that is true, but they also had to walk their asses everywhere.”

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