Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke, he asks the other guy if he has a lighter. He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?”. The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.”.

The first man asks “Can I make a wish? “. Sure says the other man. “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing”. “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants. The man says ” I want a Million Bucks “.

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head. And the guy says to the other ” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?”. The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”

——-

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Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder. The guard stops him and asks: “What’s in the bags?” “Nothing but sand sir” So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand. “Ok you’re clear move on” Two weeks later, same thing. So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and it drives them nuts.

So finally one day one of the guards can’t take it anymore and follows the guy. So he sees him sitting at a cafe with his two bags of sand. He steps up to him and says: “Listen buddy you got us crazy down at the office. Please tell me what you’re smuggling, I know it must be something. I swear I won’t tell!” So the guy takes a nip from his drink, lifts his head up and looks at him and says: ” bicycles.”

——-

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A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.

Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man happily announces as he approaches. Bartender thinks: “This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night.” He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.

Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.

“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.

Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”

The drunk looks at him and says: “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”

——-

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An atheist was walking through the woods. ‘What majestic trees’! ‘What powerful rivers’! ‘What beautiful animals’! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

‘You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’

‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer’?

The atheist looked directly into the light,

‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,

but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

‘Very Well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

“““““

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