Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?” The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.” The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?” Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.” The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?” The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”

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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned “go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway.”

“And this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man.

“This must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man.

“Ahhh I see” says the priest, “this must have been the point where you swore.” “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole.”

The priest pauses for a few seconds.

“You missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”

“““““

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The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, ‘Uh… No, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, ‘So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

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