A mafia boss had a deaf book keeper, hired because he would never overhear anything. One day the boss discovered that his trusty book keeper had been stealing from him for the better part of 30 years, totaling upwards of $18 million. He went to confront the book keeper about his missing money, taking along his personal lawyer, who happened to be fluent in in American Sign Language.

The mob boss barked at his lawyer, “Ask him where my money is!”

“Where’s the money?” the lawyer signed.

The deaf book keeper signed back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“He says he doesn’t know what your talking about,” said the lawyer.

At that the mafioso took out a pistol. “Tell him I’ll kill him if he doesn’t come clean quick,” he said.

The lawyer signed to the book keeper, “He says he’ll kill you if you don’t tell him right now.”

Trembling, the deaf book keeper signed back, “Okay! The money is in a black suitcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Gino’s house.”

“What did he say?” the mob boss asked the lawyer.

“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”
“””””

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There was an Italian, a Brit and an American who all got stuck on an island. When searching this island they ran into a local native population who happened to be cannibals.

The cannibals captured them and said “here’s how it goes. We’re going to kill you, skin you and eat you. Then dry your hides and turn them into canoes. If you want to die in honor for your country you may choose your way of death and execute yourself.”

The Italian took a knife and yelled “Viva l’Italia” then slit his throat. The Brit took a knife and yelled “God save the queen” then slit his throat. The American asked for a fork. The cannibals were puzzled but brought him one. He then took the fork and started stabbing himself as he yelled “fuck your canoes”

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Daddy, I fell in love& want to date this awesome girl! Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?” Son: “It’s Carry, the neighbor’s daughter”. Father : “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Carry is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son : “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is evenhotter!” Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?” Son: “It’s Megan, the other neighbor’s daughter.” Father : “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Megan is also your sister.”

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying. Son : “Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because daddy is their father!” The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He is not your Father.”

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A pianist is down on his luck, and been without a job for a while. As he’s walking down the street one day, he passes a pub with a sign outside that says, “Pianist Wanted.” He walks in, and says, “I saw the sign outside, I’ve played the piano my entire life, and I need a job. Can I audition?”

The manager says, “Sure, play me a song.”

So the man starts to play. The song is a catchy tune, and the manager starts to clap his hands and tap his feet. As the song ends,the managers says, “I loved it! What’s the name of that song?”

The man says, “I call that one, ‘Your sister is a whore!”

The manager is startled, but he asks the man to play another. This time, he plays a song so beautiful, that the manager is wiping tears from his eyes by the end. He then asks,

“What’s that song called?”

The man replies, “That one’s called, ‘I’m going to fuck your ass until your hemorrhoids bleed!”

The manager, shocked, says, “Look sir, these songs are beautiful, but if you’re going to play in my pub, you cannot tell the patrons the names of your songs.”

“That’s fair,” the man replies.

So later that night, pub is full. Everybody is drinking and dancing to the songs on the piano, having a great time. Eventually, the pianist gets a five minute break, so he rushes to the bathroom to have a pee. In his rush to get back to the stage, he forgets to zip up his zipper.

As he makes his way across the stage, a patron in the first row stops him, saying, “Sir! Do you know your fucking dick is hanging out of your pants?!?!?”

The man smiles, and says, “Know it? I wrote it!!”

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