An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.

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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The cop asks the lawyer “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” said the lawyer.

The cop replied, “You didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down.”

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, “If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?”

The cop ponders it shortly before nodding his head. “Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?”

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the cop pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, “Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?”

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It was Monday morning in Ms. Hill’s kindergarten class, and the kids were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, “I went on a choo-choo!”

Ms. Hill replied, “Very nice Adam, but let’s try to use grown-up words. You went on a train.”

Lisa was next to raise her hand. “I went to the pet store and got a new kitty.”

Again, Ms. Hill reminded the children to use grown-up words. “Lisa, you got a new cat.”

Finally Johnny raised his hand and said, “I read a book with my aunt.” Ms. Hill said, “That’s wonderful! Do you remember the name of the book?”

Johnny stood up tall and proudly exclaimed, “Winnie the Shit!”

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A young man named Dugly bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dugly’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Dugly replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Dugly said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Dugly said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Dugly said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Dugly and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Dugly said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Dugly said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

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