A philosophy professor wants to do a lasting final lecture before retiring, so he chooses to teach about the meaning of life. He gets into the classroom and puts a big empty jar on the table.

He starts to fill the jar with cobble to the top and asks the class whether the jar is filled or not. They answer that it is. He then begins to put smaller stones in and asks again, is the glass full. Again the answer is yes. He then puts sand into the jar and the students start wondering. One student asks: “But prof, what does this all have to do with the meaning of life?”.

The professor then begins to explain, well the cobbles are the important things in your life, your health, family, friends and so on, the smaller stones are the less important things like exams and the sand is the small stuff in life like getting your hair cut, going to parties and the like. You see you should start with the important stuff and there will always be time for the small stuff. But when you start with the small stuff there won’t be space for the important things. The class starts to applaud and everyone is impressed how clever of a lesson it was. The professor interrupts them by opening a beer and then another one, the students look at him puzzled. He then pours the beer in the jar and says: “No matter what there’s always space for two beers.”

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So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video. So, there was a horse who saw a metal music video, and he thought the guitarist looked really cool.

He said to himself “I want to do that!” and went to the phone book right away. He found somebody advertising electric guitar lessons and called the number.

“Hello, I’d like to learn the electric guitar. However, there’s a problem. I’m a horse.”

The music instructor replied “Oh do not worry about that, we have a special program to teach horses, you’ll learn in no time.” And so the horse went to the music instructor, and to his surprise did learn how to play the electric guitar.

So, he decided he would call his friend the chicken over to show him what he had learned. The chicken comes over, and the horse says, “I’ve learned something cool, watch this” and he plays a lick on his guitar. The chicken is impressed, and the horse decides to show him the video that originally got him interested. The chicken watches it, and is fascinated by the drums. He thinks to himself “I want to do that!” So he goes and looks up a music instructor advertising drum lessons and calls the phone number. “Hello, I’d like to learn the drums. There’s one problem though, I’m a chicken.”

The music instructor tells him not to worry about it, they’ve just developed a special program to teach chickens how to play the drums, and he’ll learn in no time. So, the chicken goes to the lessons, and does in fact learn how to play the drums. He meets back with his friend the horse, and they jam together a little bit. They decide that if they could get some more of their friends together, they could have a band going. So, they call their friend the cow over, and tell him that they’re forming a band and need a bass guitarist. The cow watches the video, and decides it looks like fun and he’ll give it a go. He finds an instructor, and calls.

“Hi, I want to learn bass guitar, but I’m a cow. Can you help me?” “Sure, that will not be any problem. We have a program designed specifically to teach cows how to play bass guitar. You’ll learn in no time.”

And so, the cow learns bass guitar, and they have a band formed. They were playing in a field when a man walked by. He said to them “Wow, I like your sound. I’m from a record label and I’d like you guys to record an album.”

The animals talk to each other about it and agree that they want to do it. So, they go to the recording studio and record an album. It became an overnight hit, and they were famous. They decided to start a tour, and set up some dates and locations. Tickets sell out immediately. They’re all getting on a plane to head to the first location, when the horse gets a call that his mother is in the hospital. He leaves to go check on her while the rest of the band went ahead, planning to catch up to them once he was finished seeing his mother. He gets there and finds that his mother is dead. He’s devastated. Then he gets a phone call informing him that the plane that his band had gotten on had crashed and there were no survivors. His friends cow and chicken and their manager were all on that plane.

Everybody he knew was dead, his band was gone, and he decided to drown his troubles in alcohol.

So the horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness.

Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one’s drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over his shoulder, and begins drinking.

Then the Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it by its soaked little wings over his glass, and yells, “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!”

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A guy goes in a cocktail bar and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious.

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?

BARTENDER: We have a small game in our bar. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.

MAN: What are the tasks then ?

BARTENDER: I can’t tell you, you have to pay the $50 first. Man gives the bartender a $50 bill

MAN: Now, what are the three tasks ?

BARTENDER: Well first, you have to finish a bottle of tequila in less than a minute and your face mustn’t grin at all. Secondly, there is an angry Rottweiler with a toothache in the backyard. You have to remove this tooth with bare hands. And thirdly, my 90-year-old grandmother lives upstairs and she haven’t had an orgasm in 50 years, and you have to make one to her.

MAN: Hell no, I ain’t doing all that !

BARTENDER: As you wish …

The man has a few beers and gets annoyed by the $50 he had lost. He starts to reconsider completing the three tasks, as there is a large cash prize. He goes to the bartender and asks “Where’s the bottle of tequila ?” As he gets it, he drinks it empty with one swallow and asks for direction to the backyard, where the dog is. As the back door closes, a very loud noise rises. The man is yelling, the dog is barking, growling and whining… Suddenly, it’s very silent. The customers in the bar are looking at each other horrified, thinking that the man is dead. Soon, the man opens the back door and enters the bar, with clothes all bloody and torn. He gasps for a moment and asks “Now where’s the woman with a toothache ?! ”

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