Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck. Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they’re standing around in jackets.

“Not hot enough for you?” asked the Devil. “What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago.”

The Devil doesn’t take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up. The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder. Rivers of lava overflowing their banks. The Devil goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.

“Not hot enough for you?” the devil queries bewilderedly. “What, this? Nah, this is like a July in Chicago. In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of ’96.”

The Devil is even more incensed. He comes up with a new idea. Turn the thermostat way down. The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture. The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn’t you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.

The Devil again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they’re hugging and cheering.

“What’s this all about!?” the Devil roared.

“THEY’VE DONE IT, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

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A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway. The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”

The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway — Route 20!”

One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”

The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.

“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.

She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”

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The FBI, Interpol and Mumbai police are having a competition as to who is the best detective squad.

The test is simple. They leave a rabbit into the woods and the team who finds the rabbit in the fastest time wins.

Interpol goes first. They go into the forest, hunt for clues, interrogate the animals, set a trap for the rabbit at its favorite watering hole and within a month, they have captured the rabbit!

FBI goes in next. They look for clues for a couple of days, then burn down the entire forest and bring back the charred remains of the rabbit on the third day!

Mumbai police goes after that. In a few hours they come back with a brutally beaten and bloody bear who is shouting “Alright! I’m a rabbit! I’m a fucking rabbit!”

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter. The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.

When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.

He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!

The king said, “Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!”

The knight said: “Eywanmytonbac!”

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